When Nature Calls... Pee Standing Up!

There's something about men that I've always found profoundly enviable. As a mother to two boys I am occasionally faced with a situation where one of my kids needs to urinate in a less than convenient location. Often times the inconvenient part of the equation is the mere fact that there is no toilet. Or the toilet is too far to go in a dire-last-minute-didn't-think-to-use-the-loo-before-we-left-the-house sorta circumstance. So what's a mother to do? I will openly admit (and I've seen other moms of boys do this too, so don't tongue click the "tsk tsk" at me here) I have allowed my kid to "water a tree." And yeah. That's what I tell them. "Go water a tree."

Judge me if you want. That's what I do.

And while they are relieving themselves I am green with envy. Seriously. Not only do I need to bleed like a stuck pig once every month and carry babies for nine months but the miracle of life made it necessary to expose my white ass to the elements every time nature calls. How cruel is that? As women we could have at least been born with "options" so we didn't have to sit on a cold, dirty toilet seat or squat over a hole with a swarm of mosquitos waiting to feast on our tender cheeks.

As a long distance runner I find this utterly frustrating. I probably have a bladder the size of a large grape and I'm a nervous peer to begin with. I conscientiously try NOT to drink water right before a race so I can limit my bathroom breaks within the first five miles. In high school, my cross country teammates anointed me with the nickname "Johnny" after the multiple number of bathrooms we had to find on our long runs just so I could take care of business. Yeah. My PRs weren't about speed and times, but for the number of stops along the way. They still are, but now it also includes posting pictures to facebook (thankfully not of of me peeing). Ha!

So you can imagine my excitement when I recently discovered how to pee off-trail standing up. Yup. Standing up. And without having to bear my glaringly reflective white ass to the wild.

I should mention that I was encouraged to do it by a man, my husband in fact, who decided to join me last Thursday on one of the most fabulous spring-like runs of the season.

I recently bought a Brookes running skirt online and was testing it out for comfort. I was super impressed with the lightweight material. It was almost like running naked. Almost. Except I was wearing a skirt, a bra, a shirt, oh and my Merrell Dash Gloves. Ok. I was nowhere near naked.

I was doing good not stopping to pee and had gotten about three and half miles in when my husband started in on his slapstick humor and goofy antics and I couldn't stop laughing. Laughing almost always guarantees a pee stop. Not only is my bladder the size of a large grape, my pelvic floor needs some refurbishing. I had to stop.

So I pull off-trail, hike the skirt up, pull the boy shorts aside, move a few girly bits out of the way and VOILA! Mission accomplished! Except for the trickles at the end that got a little messy I managed to take care of business without stripping half naked to do it.

I will admit I could improve my form a bit. I need to make sure I have a strong and steady stream to release when I do it and I discovered its important to dry any remaining droplets (and probably apply some bodyglide to my inner thighs afterward - I had a bit of chafing that was starting to burn after about a mile), but for my first time it wasn't bad at all. In fact, I was damn proud of myself.

I felt liberated. And for those of you still wondering when I will be learning to write my name, I am in kegel training now trying to learn to dot my "i." Heehee.
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Comments

  1. Based on your description of your successful pee standing up, I'm going to stick with hanging my ass out for the mosquitoes. The chafing sounds more painful than the odd bug bite!

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  2. If your technique doesn't improve you could consider using a FUD: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_urination_device
    I first heard about FUD in this awesome commercial: http://adsoftheworld.com/media/tv/whiz_biz_morning_after

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha! Loved that commercial! Funny I got something like that as a white elephant gift a long time ago. Seriously could have used it for backpacking all those years... this is definitely an alternative, but no so sure I want to be carrying that thing around on my runs. Ha!

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  3. Hi Zap,
    I always find that with all the sweating I do while running there is no need to pee. I have even started a run thinking gee maybe I should have gone to the bathroom first but usually after the first few km that feeling disappears. I usually drink around 0.5 litre of water before I go for a run and never have a problem.

    Neil

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  4. Great post! I never thought I'd share this, but, um.. I've been doing this for years! I grew up in a rural area and went camping a lot, so it wasn't a big deal to me to "go" on a trail or behind a tree. I have 3 sons, so they have often watered trees as well! And like you, I love running skirts and the freedom to just move some fabric over a few inches and go. Quick and efficient. More women should just get outside and not worry about where the potties are!
    I've worked in corporate America, too, and I'll bet most people who know me would be very surprised as to how quick I am to "feel liberated" when outside. Good for you!

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    Replies
    1. I agree that women might tend to worry too much about things like peeing in the woods. Funny thing is we've all probably done it a lot as kids before. Once you pee in the wild its just no big deal.

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  5. Running skirts are brilliant in that they just pull the side :)

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  6. One day God came to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He had two new things, one for each of them before He could declare the Universe created. The first thing allowed the person to stand up while peeing. Adam got all excited and said he really wanted that. Eve said she didn't mind squatting down so God gave Adam his wish. The He turned to Eve and said "This is for you." When Eve asked what is was God said "It's called a brain." :-)

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    Replies
    1. I laughed out loud at that one!! THanks so much for sharing!

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    2. Too bad God didn't explain to Eve how to use the brain ;)

      Women still don't know how, nowadays...

      (Ducking for cover)

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    3. Yeah "anonymous" - You had better duck before a woman... KICKS YOUR ASS!

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  7. If you push your hips forward,you'll be able to direct the stream outward enough that you won't really have dribbles. Also, a good bouncy shake at the end will help. You're welcome. Love, a veteran standing lady pee-er.

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