Time Travel

I taught myself how to lucid dream around the age of ten years old. I would often sneak into my brother's room to steal his Omni science magazines and then devour them secretly in my own bedroom. There was a particular issue that had a thorough step-by-step guide on how to train yourself to become aware mid-dream that, in fact, you were dreaming. I studied this article and practiced the steps every single night. Eventually, (actually I think it took months or maybe even a year) I could drop into lucid dreams by setting up my thoughts before I fell asleep. I would make up little plays and dramas in my head just before sleep at night and then wake up mid-dream with the ability to actually orchestrate, control, and remember these custom-made dream-scapes.

I didn't actually begin to document and record my dreams until I got into college. As I got older I had fewer lucid dreams but still wanted direct access to my nightly adventures in order to remember them and dissect their subconscious meanings. I started keeping pen, paper, and a flashlight by my bed. I began, again, the work of training myself to literally "pull" my consciousness into the awareness that I was experiencing a dream that I wanted to remember. And so when I had that realization I would break myself from the dream-state to write down every detail that I could possibly remember. I would often wake hour after hour spending 20 or 30 minutes each time writing down detail after detail.

The following is one such example taken from one of my oldest journals. In a sense, I almost feel that my younger subconscious mind already knew my future self. My younger subconscious had so much wisdom that I am now only beginning to understand and continue to learn from.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .
February 17, 1995 9:15am
I had some lucid dreams and in them specifically went to the characters in my unconscious. I started by looking in the mirror of a bathroom. I saw myself and I said to myself that I wanted to talk to my inner selves. I asked to talk to the self that was unhappy and sad. My image in the mirror morphed in to a little girl with really curly blonde hair, brown eyes, freckles, and white hat with flowers and a white froofy dress. She seemed happy and I can't remember what she said. She didn't say much that I know of, but she seemed quite mature and controlled. I do remember feeling some intense sad emotions though.

The last character I met – (my dream would go black and I would ask to meet another character. I would do this while I was on the edge of awakeness and sleep.) I would focus very hard on trying to see in the blackness of my sleep and in this particular dream I could just barely make out the outlining of hair – it was long and at first I thought it was me, but it wasn't. I saw that it was a man and he was sitting next to me – my physical body– and I was looking out the window of the train. The man got up to walk around and I followed him. He was wearing dark but faded navy pants – they looked like something he got at the thrift store and steel toed combat boots. His button-up shirt was slightly open exposing a choker necklace that was silver with silver balls on it. I thought that it was especially beautiful. He went to the dining car to get a cup of coffee so I followed. I stood in line with him then followed him back to the table where I sat down to talk with him.

He was a very unhappy guy and was obviously a wanderer. He was traveling all the time to get away from things. I told him I was his conscious self and that I was there to talk and listen to him. I told him he was one of my unconscious selves and that I wanted to know about him. I was amazed because what he had to say to me I could never have thought about. He said he had a hard life. That his mother was like teeth edges. I didn't understand and asked him if that was good and he said it was good, but the look on his face indicated that it could be bad as well. He told me his brother treated him unkindly. I can't remember what he said, but when he talked about his brother he got very angry. He tried to make a pass at me, but I denied it. he was very lonely and looking for a place to be comfortable in. He liked the adventure, but looked as though he has had many adventures which had really hurt him. He was native American.

This woman was sitting on a couch foot stool talking to me. She was smoking and had a rough demeanor. She said "fuck" a lot and was angry because I didn't listen to her. We talked for a while. I told her I felt if I listened too much to her I would be controlled by her. She had a thick New York accent and dark hair. She was dressed in a very short leather skirt and lots of jewelry – she looked like a whore. I told her I admired her for her free spirit. She was angry because I was too prudish and let the prude take over way too much. I told her I really like her and wanted to be friends with her. She said " Ooooh girl… I could teach you things." I told her not to be selfish and still respect the "prude" in me. She agreed. I call her Sera.

There was another woman, a pregnant mother. I asked the whore if she could help me figure out my feelings for Mark. She said she couldn't that this woman could – she was quiet and soft-spoken, but extremely beautiful. She had an "aura" or psychic beauty. She said she represented my women's or mother's intuition. She said that she controlled that part of my unconscious that gets "gut feelings" about people. This explains my urge to mother Mark. She told me to follow my gut feelings about him – she said that he has found her. He has found what he's been looking for in her. The mother is the safe comfort zone, a security that he could fall back on for his future. That was my gut feeling but I often glaze it over with worry that maybe he just doesn't like me. She wants more of me to follow my heart. She was wearing a pink-striped dress that flowed perfectly over her breasts and womb. She had long, beautiful, shiny, blonde hair and absolutely dazzling blue eyes. She said she thinks Mark is scared, but that she's by no means psychic – she only represents the part of my unconscious that is extremely sensitive to other people's personalities. When I asked her if I was right about Mark's landlord, Sean she smiled and said "what do you think?" I call her Gabrella.

I don't know why I saw a pregnant woman but the fact that his is the woman who told me to follow my "gut" feeling seems so appropriate. The gut is "pregnant" with intuition and feelings which are so often taken for granted. Perhaps this is why my unconscious has envisioned or symbolically represented my women's intuition and motherly instinct with a pregnant woman. She is so real it's scary. I let my thoughts flow and this is what I've found.

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