The Year of the Sulk and Mope

Taking a break from life to host
 a "Chill Lounge" at Way Too Cool 50k
Oh man. It seems life has taken me for a ride lately and I'm just getting off to run back in line. I've neglected my writing in pursuit of earning a living lately, which isn't normally a bad thing, but there needs to be balance and I do notice that I'm beginning to get itchy. I need to get back into this writing thing. Life is starting to spill over and I need something to catch all the splashes. So now that Blogger hasn't made me invisible and my Saucy McRibs are off the censoring chopping block, let me just purge a bit...

The grand ultra plan this year (one of my biggest bucket list items I have been waiting to do) didn't work out. That was supposed to be a trip to the Copper Canyons to run in the Ultra Caballo Blanco 50 miler. I enrolled in an online class to learn Spanish, put together an ultra "file" on the race to collect various info and notes (yeah... I was unusually organized for this) and I had my fingers ready to pull the trigger on airline/taxi/train/shuttle tickets. And then, with my husband accompanying me on this adventure, we couldn't finagle childcare.

So that dream died this year.

I moped and sulked. I don't run just for the sake of running. Running is just an excuse for whatever adventure lies beneath the surface. This was my opportunity and it faded into dust, but as it turns out, maybe it wasn't the year for me anyway. Due to some unfortunate events which happened in close proximity to the race a difficult decision was made by race officials to cancel the race in order to ensure the safety of the runners. So, at least for this year, maybe I wasn't meant to go. I still hope that I can make it down there in the future.

So then there was talk between me and a good friend of mine about doing the John Muir Trail from Whitney to Yosemite. I was stoked. It has been years since I backpacked into the backcountry and here was an opportunity to explore and navigate through some extraordinary landscape, sleep under the stars, challenge myself, and recharge my life - a life that has been discharging in a slow trickle since my father died and I assumed new responsibilities in my newly reversed role caring for, supporting, and nurturing my own mother in her own grief. It hasn't been easy this last year. It's been a full-on energy suck with plenty more downs than ups and there's been too many days where I've felt like a trapped bird with clipped wings. Way too many days.

As it turns out, the JMT adventure will not happen either for reasons I'm not quite clear on.

So more sulking and more moping. It seems this has become the year of sulk and mope. But I'm over that disappointment too. I've got my Born To Run adventure coming up in May which I refuse to give up no matter what. That's a very special race for me. A race that takes me back to my first real deal ultra, a 100k through the hills of the East Creek Ranch in Los Olivos where I arrived not knowing a single soul or my own limitations. The people I met there were genuine, supportive, and by the end of my experience, like family. I look forward to this event every year. It has become my default recharge and decompression from the crap life has launched at me lately. I go there with full intention of saying fuck you to the shitty and embrace the chill with similar minded folk. Its all about the happy there.

So other than the Born To Run Ultra in May (and possibly a naked run sometime in the future) I'm pretty much goal-less with little motivation these days to run, to write... to do much else but go to the gym. It's a strange space. I'm sorta in float mode now just waiting to see what will land in my lap. I hope I get an opportunity for a new and exciting adventure soon. As long as it's trajectory doesn't hit me in the head on the way, I'm good.
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Comments

  1. Caballo Blanco is my bucket list race too... Maybe the last thing on my list, considering recent events. See you at B2R. It'll have to do for this year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Come on man! pick a goal. Grab a race and jump in.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  4. Sorry to hear about the mope. I hear ya. Same thing here. Many of my adventures, trips canceled by friends or circumstances at last minute. (Including my own backpacking return in bishop/ lone pine). Sucks ass sometimes. I even signed up to do the prison break trail series on Thursday only to have a thunderous, hail, lightening storm make the course impenetrable. :(

    ReplyDelete

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