Wha? You Found Me With That? And another Top 10 List...

Never run when carrying anything
helium inflated and shaped like a penis.
I like to look at my online traffic stats from time to time. It's nerdy entertainment and since I'm like 95% weinerdog it satisfies my inner geek. I want to know where you people are and how you got here on my blog. I'm nosy like that. 

But it's not like I wanna know exactly where you live in a creepy, stalky kinda way - ok, maybe a little bit - but I promise all my stalking will be limited to Google. I won't actually get in my car, drive to your house, knock on your door, and offer you candy. Unless you've got whiskey, then I might invite myself in for a drink.

So, on occasion, I look at the search terms and phrases used to find my blog and most of the time I just end up shaking my head.

 You people are tweaked.

Like when I see the search term Dead people. Wha? Really? Uh. I really don't know what to say. You found my blog with that?

 Then there's the phrase Wedgie Archive. Yeah. I'm not even sure where to find this archive of wedgies. Was this the 2011 panty archive? Cuz I'll admit to talking maybe a little too much about my panties - and I'll admit it's very likely I mentioned wedgies - but an archive? Of uncomfortable flossing? Yeah. Let me go look that up right now.

 And what's up with stupid naked people? Who are you calling stupid? Sounds like smack talk to me. Hey, Google. Please make an app that smacks people in the head for typing stupid phrases.
My perfect naked Saucy McRibs..
And to the person who found my blog by typing in perfect naked boobs... THANK YOU. I know they had Saucy McRibs censoring them, but that topless shot was for reals. And yes... they may be petite, but they are beautiful and perky and I hope to keep them like that for at least a few more years.

 And then there's the search phrase:
Never run when carrying anything h…
You know, this just kills me. Google shortened the h-word so I can't see the rest of the phrase. This tragically leaves vocabulary to my discretion, which, is a really bad idea. No. A really, really, bad idea. Besides having a mind that camps out on top of cardboard in the gutter 80% of the time, I have a knack for butchering language and grammar. If it has rules I will purposefully (or accidentally) not only break them but shatter them into millions of little, tiny, nonsensical pieces. I will slice and dice that shit and make it whatever the hell I want cuz I can. I just did.

I've decided to shamelessly try and interpret the rest of the h-word search phrase based on what I already know about my audience. And since it seems, for now anyway, the majority of my readers are in the 25-34 year old male range I have to think like a 25-34 year old dude in order to even remotely come close.

But I'm not a dude. I am the proud owner of a soft taco. I will have to try my best. 

So here's my top ten list of
"h-word" things not to do while running:
1. Never run when carrying anything hanging off your nipples. (Or hanging off any other loose and swingy bit on your body.)
2. Never run when carrying anything hella stabby.

3. Never run when carrying anything helium inflated and shaped like a penis.

4. Never run when carrying anything hipsters wouldn't carry.

5. Never run when carrying anything hoochie-approved and ready for Vegas. (Not recommended. At least keep it off The Strip. Unless you need a job.)
6. Never run when carrying anything hamsters with sharp teeth will nibble on. (Or at least avoid squirrels with extreme jumping skills.)
7. Never run when carrying anything half-assed and high. (Duh.)
8. Never run when carrying anything hot and pokey. (Duh again. Didn't you ever listen to your mama? You don't need Google for that.)

9. Never run when carrying anything heavy and dead. (Especially dead.)

10. Never run when carrying anything hogs can bite. (Just stay away from all wild animals.)
As for the other terms and phrase I've found on my blog lately, they amuse me, but I must confess... I'm guilty as charged. They found me.
  • look at my naked ass
  • pool noodle sex toy
  • naked fitness girls
  • cameltoe runner
  • skipping rope fail
  • wha zap
  • jogging orgasm 
  • nude athletic women
  • running topless
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Comments

  1. Carolina JohnDecember 5, 2014 at 9:30 AM

    I got found with "shaved gay triathlete" and "mandrill balls" before. Other people kill me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. zapmamakDecember 5, 2014 at 10:43 AM

      LOL! That's awesome! Hmmmm... makes me wanna just do freaky searches and click on random web pages just to entertain. Ha!

      Delete

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