Giddyup! The Best Sex...Errr...Fitness Gadgets

Fitness Bondage? 
Here's my latest observation: There's a fine line between fitness equipment and sex toys. Yup. This is going to be another one of "those" posts so either bail now or um... settle in and get really comfortable. But please do me a favor and wash your hands before touching the keyboard. No one wants to clean bliss juice up.

I got sidetracked recently (its easy for me to do) while reading about those stupid shoes that claim they can make you tone and fit just by wearing them. As a minimal and barefoot runner I find this kind of marketing blather pretty amusing. 

As it turns out, I somehow ended up on YouTube watching ridiculous fitness equipment infomercials where women squeezed and gyrated on poles, swiveled in seats and suspended themselves from thin straps attached to elaborate adult swing sets. Yeah. I've seen equipment like this before and it wasn't used to tone your obliques. Unless you consider porn-worthy pelvic thrusting and ass-up thigh spreading fitness, its hard to imagine these contraptions providing the benefits they say they do. 

And what's up with all the hot chicks? Are men not suitable enough to demonstrate the Thigh Master? Aside from the Shake Weight For Men video, I saw only one other video that featured men demonstrating usability. Really? Why is it that men don't sell stupid fitness tools? I may not buy it but I'd sure as hell watch it. Especially if it featured a "slosh tube" and this man. 

Hmmmmmm. Doesn't that dude look a little familiar? 

Seriously though, in all fairness, those slosh tube burpees look like they could turn any male into a hot, glistening mass of roman warrior manliness.

And I really think this video would be a more effective sell if he had his shirt off, don't you?

But gender aside, experience has me literally bending and straddling the very fine line between even the simplest of fitness tools versus an adult sex toy. 

Take the typical foam roller for example. Yeah, you can use it to roll your quads, but all it takes is a slight straddle with one leg to realize that that piece of fat foam between your legs has so many more infinite possibilities of satisfaction.

And the innocent lacrosse ball is not so innocent either. Especially when tucked under a yoga mat to limit movement while you use it to target front hip flexors or massage out inner thigh... what the hell. I'll just say it. It makes an excellent clit stimulator. All its missing is a 10 speed wireless remote control. Moving on...

And don't even get me started on the inherent bondage potential of a jump rope. Awwwyeah. I won't be skipping much with this piece of gym equipment.

Common sense has me leaving the lacrosse ball and jump rope at home these days, but I find it erotically entertaining when I see people "going to town" on the foam roller at the gym. I admit I've nearly crossed the line a couple times myself. Yeah. Slow and rhythmic rolling combined with indecent music (yes... I listen to that shit) can be a very dangerous combination for me. I have to snap myself out of it and put the foam roller away lest I be "reprimanded" for indecency. Again. Yeah. I'm trying hard not to get myself one of those slutty gym reputations or at the worst get myself kicked out. I'm being a very good girl these days. If you go to my gym, I hope you don't know of me.

So you should have seen the delight on my face when I came across the following nuggets. It just confirms my opinion that there's a big blurry line between what could be construed as fitness and what could be construed as sex. But, maybe that's a good thing. If buying one of these gadgets and using it in front of (or with) the opposite sex gets you laid, then more kudos to you. And hey. If you can't get sexy using one of these you can at least look sexy on one. Right? And who doesn't look sexy riding one of these?

The Osim iGallup - someone tell me... is that pronounced "Awesome" iGallup? I would definitely have to agree that this was an awesome video. I need to find my cowboy hat.

And what about the Hawaii Chair? All this video needs is a little low quality porn music and some naked people.

And really? What could be more sexy than sitting on a Thigh Glider. I love how the first people in this video are Thigh Glider virgins.

And who wants to do a real squat when you can have this between your legs? Again. Everything is better with a 10 speed remote control.

Really. Who doesn't want a tight ass? 

My personal favorite fitness tool spoof. The Tug Toner. Need I say more?

Generally I think the soft porn market is cornered by "fitness" products and rightly so. This is a cash cow industry littered with scantily clad women. And who wouldn't want a piece of that? My question is, if they are going this far to sell fitness why don't they just go all the way? You know? Wouldn't a fitness video featuring all the best sex positions for an optimum core workout be more useful and direct? Then instead of buying useless equipment that gets people in shape to get laid they can get laid to get into shape. And isn't eliminating the middle man much more economical? That is, unless you're into threesomes. *grin*
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  1. All I am saying is the Pool Noodle is the best sex aid there is. Something about the lycra of the swimsuit, the lapping of the water, engaging the core and BAM, throw in a pool noodle and frankly it's pure aqua-porn.

  2. Ok... so maybe it's not directly related, since this is more of an running accessory... but your videos reminded me of this.. could provide for a stimulating run!

  3. Love it, reminds me of a Billy Connolly sketch where he used a strap on condom type thing...and then went for a run, ha ha!

  4. Hahaha! I forget Jason has those videos out there! And not being shirtless probably had more to do with the lack of tan than anything else :)

    Have you ever done Hindu pushups? Talk about sexy. I would do them at the gym and felt like I should be charging :)

    I'm glad there are other dirty minds out there to conspire with!

  5. To be honest, I knew you were due for another spicy post and you didn't disappoint. Ha, ha!

    I especially liked and cracked up about that Hawaii chair. I mean, come on. Can you imagine trying to do things while being flipped back and forth.
    BTW, what's a Hindu push-up?

  6. So, this just became the best blog of 2011.

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  8. OK, just read your and Katie's long, drunken sordid thread on Facebook and realize we have more in common than an affinity for barefoot running. Suffice to say, we have our own, er, jump ropes at home here. ;-)

  9. Haha! Tommy! This was such a fun post to write. I have no idea why its more fun to write about sex than running. Really... I do love running!

    Yes. That's a jump rope in the pic. I have to admit I haven't fully put the potential of the jump rope to the test yet. Ha! But, the other toys (errr... tools) have become difficult to use as they were intended. ;-) Anyway... I should be careful or I will have to convert this blog over to "adult content." Heehee.

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  11. fabulous post! Yeah, jump ropes work well for many things. If the handle is shaped right one can.....hhmm. Maybe I will leave it at that :)

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  13. Great post.Thanks for sharing such a useful information with us.

  14. I always cringe a little before answering. As a yoga studio owner, the answer that would benefit me most is an enthusiastic, unqualified yes.
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