It's dark and all I see are steps below me.
Railings protect me from falling deep into the cold earth. Each step is deliberate. A meditation that takes me deeper into the internal. Each step pulls deeper into the next leaving doubt, fear, and hurt behind me. I pause halfway down to see a small cave to my left. I look into the darkness and see a body barely visible. Sobbing, regret, and pain fill that dark space. There's movement. I walk closer to peer into the black, fighting the darkness to see the person, a man, who is crouched in the space. I see months and years past hidden in there. I feel sick. My stomach is in knots. I'm in a state of anxiousness that is too familiar. My mind is racing with worry. Am I enough? Am I loved? Have I made the right decision? I'm sucked into the pain of that heavy space and although every fiber of my being is screaming to get out, I find myself longing to run and jump into the arms of the soft black space and to be held in it's dark hug. But, it's not a space I can continue to be in and live so I force myself to leave. It's not easy. Like forcibly waking myself from a dream, I'm partially paralyzed tearing myself away to look down the stairs and say goodbye to all the pain and hurt that occupied that space.
I continue. Each step another meditation taking me further into myself. As I climb down I see a narrow beam of light illuminating the back of a woman with long hair kneeling in a corner. There's more sobbing now but I sense a heaviness about her that keeps her to the floor. Emotions so heavy she can't move or stand. She just sits cemented in the feelings - the burden of her relationship and responsibilities immobilizing her. I feel a jealous kindred spirit with her, understanding her pain, but feeling no empathy for her. My instincts go into overdrive and I want to get as far away from her as possible. Hatred fills me and I'm ashamed and frightened to look her in the eyes.
So I step-fall farther down into the abyss and I see a small opening below me. It's blinding light welcomes me and lures me out of the blackness into blue skies, a deep green meadow, and granite snow-capped mountains exploding from it's edges. There's a large granite boulder in the middle of the meadow. I scramble onto the rock. The sun's warmth bleeding from the veins of mica and warming my hands which were cold and numb from my journey. There's a smooth spot in the center of the stone that my body comfortably molds to like it was contoured just for me. I snuggle into this spot as I close my eyes to feel the sun on my face. A warm breeze grazes past my body and into the pines around me.
As I lay in the sun, I open my heart up to the universe to expand, attract, embrace, and absorb positivity, optimism, inspiration, abundance, success, connection, love, and passion. I allow all these things to flow into me in whatever form they will take.
I open my eyes to see people. Some are carrying rocks and other's wood. Some have fire in their hands. They all walk towards me. They build an enormous fire ring, and set down the wood. As the people with fire blow the flames into the center of the circle, the ring explodes into a huge bonfire. I look up to see a night sky lit up by sparks and stars and feel it's infinite space around me. The people have gathered there for me. They are light and warmth for me permeating every cell of my body. I let them hug me as I release all my doubt, regret, worry, fear, hurt, hatred, and judgement into the abyss.
I finally feel home.
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There are times when I need to just get shit out of my head. The visualization above is something I do frequently in order to cope when I'm feeling especially vulnerable. I'm hesitant and maybe slightly embarassed to share it here as it is profoundly personal, however, I've found that writing helps me process and grieve in a way that I can't resolve otherwise. Taking words from my head, breathing life into them, and providing a place for them to live here on this blog gives my thoughts tangible and concrete meaning and makes sense of my chaos. Ultimately, there's power in that and it helps me heal.