Krista's Top Ten List of What Not To Wear While Running

WARNING: Hanging booty
I'm pretty sure I broke a running fashion rule the other week. It's probably the first rule of running fashion. 

Running Fashion Rule #1. Never run with your ass cheeks hanging out of your shorts.

Yeah. Shorter than short shorts are a big NO NO. Well for running anyway. They're perfect for pole dancing and for women fifteen years younger than me.

In my defense though, it was one of those weeks where I was hard-pressed to find time for even my 25 minute hill repeats, which meant that I had to let the laundry suffer. And when the laundry suffers I find myself desperately digging through my clothes drawers to find something, ANYTHING, that is remotely acceptable to wear. I was lucky I wasn't going into the gym or that could have been tragically uncomfortable - instead I was running hills and trails in a somewhat isolated area where only a handful of people in a three year time period unwittingly witnessed my brave attempts at peeing-while-standing-up so I figured the odds were good that I could get away with wearing the hanging-booty booty shorts.

So I did what any desperate runner would do. I put them on. Then asked my husband to photograph the atrocity. I needed confirmation.

Too short booty short fix
These booty shorts were just plain wrong. I bought these shorts online not really paying attention to the inseam measurement. Who measures their inseam anyway? I would think there should be a standard of "appropriate shortness" for workout clothing but apparently I was wrong. Even I found the wedgie from those shorts to be a wee bit invasive and I'm a thong girl.

With my need to run growing more and more intense I tried to correct the problem by pulling my shorts down a bit then using the buff around my waist to keep them from riding up again. I think I was about two repeats in when my cheeks were like "OH HELLO THERE."

I accepted my fate. I should have just ran in a pair of bikini bottoms.

I should clarify that I'm no stranger to running/gym fashion faux pas nor to breaking rules.

Footless socks? Wha?
Check out this little nugget -  my footless socks, ironically, for warmth. Yes. I did that. When I was running barefoot a lot I would cut the feet out of my socks and run with the socks but sans the shoes. For warmth. Yeah. Don't ask. There's no answer to stupidity.

Well... I've smartened up over the years by wearing full length socks and shoes for warmth although most would question my style sanity...

I still support this decision. I love fun socks!

And speaking of cold, let's not forget the time that I smartly decided that since my toe warmers didn't fit INSIDE my minimal shoes I would stick them to the OUTSIDE. Yeah. I did that too. They looked like maxi pads, but in all fairness they worked like a charm. 

For about two miles. Then they fell off.

Oh jeez. Where were the running fashion police that day?

Then there were the toe shoes. My vibrams. Many of my fellow minimal and barefoot friends would say this is not a running fashion faux pa, but I would have to disagree. In my case, they were the ultimate fashion faux pa since I bought them forgetting I had webbed toes that would never comfortably fit into them. Duh.
Mud run with my toes shoved into little painful pockets.
Oh and there's more fashion mistakes I've made over the years. Really. I'm the poster child for the worst dressed runner out there. I could go on and on... but I won't - or maybe I will. How about I give you my top ten worst dressed fashion running secrets here? Come on. I know you want to know. *wink*


Krista's Top List of What Not to Wear
(or, if you're me, What TO Wear) while Running
Cuz everyone needs a running fashion guru… 

1. If you’re a badass wear whatever the hell you want. Let your cheeks hang, your boobs sway, rock the rhinestones.  When you're fast and a badass there's no need to dress responsibly. 

2. If you’re gonna run a race in costume make it worth it. Pink assless chaps and a unicorn costume is pretty worth it. For everybody.

Not sure I'd want this guy running BEHIND me.

3. Cotton is the ultimate running fabric. Seriously. If you can stand the chafing it’ll keep you cool and wet in the summer. And you can rock those old concert tees on the trail. In the winter… well who the hell runs in winter anyway?

4. Look the part. Don’t smell the part. Saturate your running gear in large amounts of perfume or aftershave and you’ll never have to worry about friends complaining that you stink. Of course, your running partners will be MIA, but what do you care? You’ve always enjoyed solo runs anyway.

5. Run naked. There’s nothing wrong with running sans the clothes but note there’s a time and place. You’d be smart to do this at night and in a mostly remote area away from traffic. There’s nothing more disappointing than being arrested just as you are about to PR your best time. But on the flip side, running away from the cops could be the most effective technique for PRing. Be sure to bring your Garmin and track that shit!

6. If you’re a guy, “manpris” (running capris for men) aren’t wrong at all - as long as you can kick everybody’s ass. Literally.

7. Test all your gear for a 5k. If you really want to see how that hydration vest is gonna work out, wear it for a 5k. Oh and try that fuel belt too. Oh and those gaiters… and that headlamp… and those compression socks… and don’t forget the running poles. Because ANYTHING can happen around 2.5 miles.

8. Drink it don’t wear it. We all know beer and whiskey are the best hydration for any race so when drinking it’s important not to get sloppy. Don’t spill it all over yourself before the finish line. You’re an athlete not an alcoholic. Ok. Maybe an athletic alcoholic. Either way, finishing a race smelling like a bum is not cool. Keep it neat. See what I did there?

This hydration did not end up on my shirt.


9. The brighter the better. Wear bright reflective clothing on the trails so the bears know where to find you in the middle of the night. Or so your running partners can run away from you when they see you attacking them.

I have been known to attack innocent runners on the trail.


10. Wear race appropriate attire. Be sure to wear a shirt that is compatible with the race you are running. Be clear so there are no questions.

Perfectly appropriate running attire.
For a mud run.


That's my top ten list of what not to wear, or what to wear. Dress responsibly folks. There are other runners affected by your running fashion actions. If you have anything to add feel free to comment below.
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Comments

  1. Haha.. I love this post. I probably have already done half of your list so I might as well do the rest of it. lol. So, thank you for the "to do" list. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No problem David. I love inspiring people. Even if it's wrong. ;-)

      Delete
  2. I like yourrunning socks ��

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers get naked on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete

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