Ten Ways To Annoy Me At The Gym

Yeah. This is my gym. Enough said.
I'm the first to admit I'm a living, running, breathing gym fail and I'm OK with that. Most of the time I end up laughing at myself for something stupid I just did (like when I was stretching between reps of back squats and somehow managed to hit my head on the squat rack. Who does that?) But even with all my stupidity and lack of grace I try to stay focused with my gym workovers so I can get in and out of there. But, sometimes that's hard to do because of... well... people.  

Really.
People. 

I know I'm not one to talk. Hell, I've had my fair share of being the annoying person (dude who I almost kicked in the head doing pullups would probably agree), but I think we can all share the burden here. So if you really want to piss me off in the gym here are a few guidelines. WARNING: Petty post and rant ahead.

  1. Make snarky comments about my minimal shoes. Even better, make sure you tell me that Vans are inappropriate for weightlifting when you've never lifted more than a five pound pink dumbell in your life.
  2. Take four sets of dumbells and hoard them for a thirty minute circuit workout. Even better, tell everyone you'll be done with them in about five minutes.
  3. Sit your ass down on the rower and text your best friend. Better yet, text your best friend who's using the elliptical thirty feet away from you. Be sure to move like you're actually rowing but very weakly and with your legs only.
  4. Be very fragrant. Better yet, spray yourself down with your Moringa Body Mist while on your gym mat so everyone after you gets to smell your delicious B.O./perfume combo now embedded in the mat.
  5. Wear rhinestones and sequins on your ass so I have to look at it. Even better, make sure they spell out the word "Juicy."
  6. Creep and stare at me in the mirror while I'm doing back squats. Better yet, get out your iphone and pretend to be checking your music while taking a picture of my sweaty ass. Then laugh with your frat brothers about it.
  7. Try and start up a casual conversation while I'm in the middle of doing 500 jumping jacks. Even better, say something like "You're crazy. No one needs to do 500." Um. I do so get the hell out of my face.
  8. Use the plyometric boxes as your own personal storage bench while doing situps. Better yet, sit on the box in your juicy sequined yoga pants and chat with your girlfriends while you're waiting for Zumba.
  9. Don't ask whether I'm using that 30 inch box for box jumps after I've just carried it halfway across the gym. Just move it wherever you want and start jumping.
  10. Pick the TRX rings right next to me to do your aussie pullups when there's a whole roomful of rings to choose from. Even better, creepily check out your wicked biceps while you're doing your pullups right next to me. Yeah. That's impressive.
My coach is planning on opening his own gym (The Ranch Athletics) early next year and I will be making the switch. Its going to be a whole different kind of gym with little to bitch about except maybe the workovers themselves. I might actually miss those annoying gym people. On second thought... maybe not.
 
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Comments

  1. Hee hee hee!
    Let's not forget: "do weird gender-inappropriate stretches while creepily looking at me" and "old men grunting because they are trying to curl way too much weight"!

    You're a mom so I am surprised you haven't perfected "the glare". Maybe it's just because you're friendly and I'm a misanthrope. I find that "the glare" works on males of all ages who are misbehaving, but is most effective on younger ones.

    Also, while I know this isn't for everybody, I dress extremely conservatively at the gym. The only skin showing is my face and hands, nothing to accentuate curves, and absolutely nothing that could ever be described as "cute". If my husband wrinkles up his nose about the outfit in question it is gym-appropriate.

    I know you like to be positive but some things in life are easier when you're bitchy about them :-p

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    Replies
    1. LOL! Oh yes. The grunting. Sometimes its absurdly loud and unnecessary. I don't exactly dress "conservative" but I would say I dress appropriately. I want the least amount of clothing while doing my workovers because I overheat very quickly and it effects my performance. I'm pretty much all business when I'm there. :-)

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  2. I suppose that makes a difference. They keep our gym at about 60F all year round. By "conservative" I mean I wear one of my long sleeved BRS tech shirts and gym pants (nylon mesh, not sweats, not warm-ups, hard to describe)full length, boot cut, and one size too big.

    I often give rowdy young men "the glare". One time there was this old dude who was grunting and I was getting ready to give him "the glare" when I realized it was The Head Honcho in a muscle shirt and way-too-short shorts instead of his usual three piece suit and glasses. I decided to withhold "the glare" and keep my job.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awesome! I laugh at the "juicy" or "pink" butt ladies. They wear that same stuff to Whole Foods!!

    I belong to 24 Hour and since I pretty much only swim, steam or run the treadmill while watching TV I am pretty oblivious to what goes on around me, but the cell phones are supposed to be banned and they are annoying but apparently enforcing the rules is not a rule. I am pretty sure they are banned not for talking or texting reasons but to prevent the aforementioned sweaty chicks ass pictures:)

    I don't think I've ever got "the glare" but as a guy you sometimes have to make what I call "the quick glance of admiration". That is not anything like the "creepy lustful stare" that I sometimes witness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Matt - that "quick glance of admiration" is otherwise known in my ultra running circles as "Lizard Eye." Apparently, a very effective and stealthy way men can peek at the opposite sex without notice. I approve of that. I know from experience lizard eye is very hard to detect even when doing something blatant for the sole purpose of getting a guy to look. I don't have a problem with guys lizard eyeing me (um... I look at men - and women for that matter - all the time at the gym). Its just the creepy stares and picture taking that I disapprove of. It makes me very self conscious.

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  4. I got sick and tired of getting the glare at the gym...so I always workout in silver mirrored aviator glasses (standard issue at the local frat) so that I can creep the girls without them seeing me....OH and I love creeping girls when they are working their back....ahhhh, gym porn.....I'm a Voyeur...what do you want from me....Wait, who's gym??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude. I'll keep an eye out for your kind. : )

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